How to Deal with a Passive-Aggressive Colleague

[Shaha Noor]

Your colleague says one thing in a meeting but then does another. He passes you in the hallway without saying hello and talks over you in meetings. But when you ask to speak with him about it, he insists that everything's fine and the problem is all in your head. Argh! It's so frustrating to work with someone who is acting passive-aggressively. Do you address the behavior directly? Or try to ignore it? How can you get to the core issue when your colleague pretends that nothing's going on?

What the Experts Say
It's not uncommon for colleagues to occasionally make passive-aggressive remarks to one another over particularly sensitive issues or when they feel they can't be direct. "We're all guilty of doing it once in a while," says Amy Su, coauthor of Own the Room. But persistent passive-aggressive behavior is a different ball game. "These are people who will often do anything to get what they need, including lie," says Annie McKee, founder of the Teleos Leadership Institute and coauthor of Primal Leadership. In these cases, you have to take special precautions that help you and, hopefully, your counterpart both get your jobs done. Here are some tips.

Don't get caught up
Consider what's motivating the behavior
Own your part
Focus on the content, not the delivery
Acknowledge the underlying issue
Watch your language
Find safety in numbers
Set guidelines for everyone
Get help in extreme situations
Protect yourself

Principles to Remember

Do:

Understand why people typically act this way — their needs probably aren't being met
Focus on the message your colleague is trying to convey, even if her delivery is misguided
Take a step back and ask yourself if you're contributing to the issue in some way.

Don't:

Lose your cool — address the underlying business issue in a calm, matter-of-fact way
Accuse the person of acting passive-aggressively — that will only make him madder
Assume you can change your colleague's behavior

Source: https://hbr.org/2016/01/how-to-deal-with-a-passive-aggressive-colleague?referral=03758&cm_vc=rr_item_page.top_right